Today is the first paddling demo day of the season. Not the nicest day out, but if it doesn’t lightning then there is no reason to do this. I was hoping that Pepper would go with me to test out some kayaks, but she’s not feeling up to it. She’s been suffering with a cold for the past couple weeks is now on the upside. I understand, but am disappointed.
See this happens often. I want to do something but I also want to do it with my partner. Over the years I have usually chosen to not do the activity. Today, though, I am trying to push myself to go do it alone. I keep thinking I’ll ask my son to go with me. I don’t want to do that though as again this is my interest and I must try to work through whatever insecurity it is that keeps me from doing things alone.
I like my company and enjoy being alone and focused on my thoughts. So why the issue with leaving the house and doing things alone? Is it really that important that I change this aspect of myself, or should I just work with it and more new people into my life to share these things with? The issue isn’t with Pepper, it’s me not being secure enough or knowing how to enjoy things without my partner next to me. I’ve always responded better to things when I can turn to ‘my person’ and share my thoughts and feelings. That always seemed to be the point of having someone significant in your life. I’ve lived with this situation for years but have yet to wrap my mind around the reality of, ‘us’.
The demo runs from 11 – 4 pm, it’s 9:30 am now. If I work on cleaning for 2 hours then I can move on to the demo, alone. I have to put a work/reward system in place for me to this. I don’t get how I keep falling for my motivation tricks.
Hopefully I will write a follow-up on how this all turns out.